boo, brr, blah

The gulf between deciding one is a fat lardass and actually doing something about it is particularly difficult to span if the temperature is 1 degree above freezing and the two inches of snow still on the ground have been pummeled into so much dirty grey slush. PMS doesn't help, either, since all I want to do is sit around and eat chocolate while obsessing over how I am a failure at life. Ugh. Can this day just end, already?

I see married people.

In terrifying news, I have discovered that YET ANOTHER one of my ex-flames, The Rebound, is engaged. This comes hot on the heels of discovering--all in the same 6 months, mind--that The College Ex got married and the ex-boyfriend immediately following--the guy who broke my heart so bad I didn't even think about kissing anyone else for about two years*--is not only married but has HAD A FRICKING BABY.

...I am comforted by the fact that they are all world-class morons, of course.

I am further comforted by the fact that I have somehow, despite all odds, completely inexplicably managed to secure the attention and affection of a strapping young whippersnapper of an Aussie boyfriend. This sort of luck bemuses me--if anyone knows who spiked his punch and how I can make sure I have that person on staff in perpetuity, please contact me ASAP.


*Ok, that's a slight exaggeration... understatement. Whatever.

the best time of my life

Hogwash. And the next person who tells me that being in one's 30s is so much better than being in one's 20s is going to get a swift kick to the head. Let's put it this way:

• I'm turning 30 on Sunday.
• The most recent Ex moved across several continents to be with Girlfriend 2.0.
• My college boyfriend is engaged.
• The English boy who broke my heart in 2001 is married.
• My little brother is married.
• I haven't dated anyone seriously for almost 2 years.

And this morning I learned that:

• My little brother's wife is PREGNANT.
• Also, I'm turning 30 on Sunday.

I think I deserve cookies for not starting to bawl on the phone with my super-psyched brother, for being able to suggest that they name the child Biscuit (good for a boy or girl!). No, I did not start crying.

I waited until I hung up.

Listen, I know I am ridiculous. But I'm turning 30 on Sunday (did I mention that?) and it kind of sucks in the "personal life" department right now. Thank God I have Blythe on speed dial to talk me down from the ledge.

dickishness

Why haven't I posted anything recently? Well, I'll tell you why: because what I want to post about—e.g., the ridiculous things that happen to me on a daily [fine, weekly] basis—would involve slightly too much trash-talking to be viable when so many folks I know read this blog. Allow me to explain: this blog became boring for me to post on when I started worrying about pissing people off, since I apparently can't write about anything without pissing someone off. And what's the point of blogging if I can't vent about the weird crap that happens to me?

Other than that, here is a list of things that have happened in the past month:

• Blythe visited. Despite having really bizarrely yellowy-colored hair, made out with a random dude on the dance floor. And then I dragged (literally, dragged) a profoundly drunk Blythe 4 avenue blocks across town to get in a cab.
• Went on a date with same random dude the next day (yes, I know, the next day. Whatever, I wasn't doing anything)... to see The Wrestler. Conan O'Brien was sitting next to us. Random dude wants to hold my hand during the movie. I am confused, since the movie is about a washed-up wrestler and occasionally Marisa Tomei trots about without her top. Not really hand holding material, I think? And Conan is sitting next to us, and my hand is sweating, and really, you want to hold hands while Marisa Tomei swings herself around a stripper pole? Anyway, nice guy but didn't hear from him after that evening. Whatever. Rejection is my life these days and I just can't get it up to care.
  
• Got a super-sweet, completely absurd Tshirt in the mail from Michael5000.
• Met crossword sensation (so he tells me. And tells me) Rex Parker in real life, dragged him to the NY Public Library, MoMA, and organicy-good restaurant. He fed me, which earns him 10,000 virgins in the next life.
  
• Obtained a bionic arm. (Next stop: world domination.)
• Drank two bottles of champagne with roommate and her boyfriend. MIRACULOUSLY not hungover.
• Re-read 6 romance novels that I've already read. Realize I have been celibate for longer than is normal. Life begins to lose its meaning. Or perhaps it's just March.
  
• Got funding to go to Florence.
• Successfully avoided doing any work at all today. Excellent.