There is a definite chance this post will be deleted since finding this video anywhere else is virtually impossible. If you haven't seen this skit from the Paul Rudd-hosted SNL in November--with some very awkward background dancers in a Beyonce "Put a Ring on It" video--then you've missed out.
Beyonce and Justin Timberlake SNL Skit (11/15/08)

I will not be watching Valkyrie

I saw The Lives of Others last year and it's so incredibly great that I can't even begin to explain. It's a caper! And a spy movie! And the music is great! And the acting is phenomenal! And my German teacher knew the lead actor!*



If you haven't seen it, RENT IT--it's fabulous. Even the music gives me a frission. Don't ask me why Berlin holds such a fascination for me (well, the answer is pretty simply that I lived there for 3 months working as a walking tour guide), but I've read a pretty significant number of books on Berlin/German history (I consider myself somewhat better acquainted with Berlin & German history than the average person yet somewhat far from a scholar; the books I have listed at the end fo the post after the jump).

...So when I say that I already knew the plot for Valkyrie, that Stauffenberg (that's Lt. Col. Klaus Philip Schenk, Count von Stauffenberg to the history books) is somewhat of a national hero in modern Germany, and that the idea of Tom Cruise with his Chicket-gum teeth swanning about with his ridiculous American accent and Disneyfied script makes me want to VOMIT, then perhaps you can understand why.
Whenever Tom Cruise speaks I find myself torn between laughing and crying (the words in italics are to be read with a slit-eyed INTENSE WHISPER):
At 0:16: "By nightfall I want to know that Hitler's Germany has seen its last sunrise."
At 1:31: "Anything... is a very... dangerous word."
At 2:45: "Action... is inevitable... as are the consequences."
....................ARGGGH. Shoot me.


...I mean, given my Berlin obsession, I'm going to have to see it eventually, but URGH.

* You know, some of the other movies I feel as strongly about as The Lives of Others include Hot Fuzz, Ocean's Eleven, and Sneakers. Go figure.


Berlinobibliophilia after the jump--
I have read the following books on Berlin/Germany
Stasiland by Anna Funder









The Fall of Berlin 1945 by Antony Beevor**









Stalingrad: The Fateful Siege: 1942-1943 by Antony Beevor**









Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich by William L. Shirer** (P.S. Try wandering around Germany while reading this book. It's a little awkward.)








The Ghosts of Berlin: Confronting German History in the Urban Landscape by Brian Ladd








Architecture in Berlin: The 100 Most Important Buildings and Urban Settings by Arnt Cobbers







Speer: The Final Verdict by Joachim Fest, Ewald Osers, and Alexandra Dring








Berlin: A Novel by Pierre Frei and Anthea Bell** (this was not actually a very good book)

The point is: I'VE READ A LOT ABOUT BERLIN. TOM CRUISE AND BRYAN SINGER AND THEIR WEIRDO HOLLYWOOD AMERICAN CHEESEBURGERS CAN SUCK IT.

** These books were all vacation books. As in, I read them on the beach instead of novels. Possibly the best non-beach beach book -- The Zanzibar Chest by Aidan Hartley, which still counts among the most important books I think I've ever read -- I read while on the blissful sands of Zanzibar. There was nothing to put my days flopping around drinking beer and agonizing over a death-spiral relationship in perspective like recollections of Ethiopia, Somalia, and Rwanda in the 80s and 90s.

hypomania doesn't clean the apartment

It seems not taking prescription uppers for the past three days means that I have lost any filtering mechanisms and all my patience. It also means that I am constantly engaged in either:
a) falling asleep on things,
or
b) dancing around the apartment and leaping over chairs and cats at 100mph to this song:

So mainly I just skank around the apartment jumping around and scaring the cats and then I pass out on the bed. And then I wake up and do it again. This is pretty much all I've been doing all day long. I'm telling you, ADD is no joke, and when you have to clean the apartment, it does NOT help get the job done.

she's baaaaaaack

Yes indeed, here I am to delight your senses once more (all 5 or 3 of you who actually read the blog). I had about a perfect storm of crap that prevented me from both a) finishing a paper and b) posting on this here blog. Now that the perfect storm and said paper are over, I am sleeping about 12 hours a day and avoiding cleaning up my room. Not bad. This lack of motivation (aka, absence of ADD meds in the bloodstream) unfortunately also translates into me falling asleep on most horizontal surfaces. Like, for instance, the computer keyboard in the school's computer lab (yesterday), the changing room stool at Banana Republic, most chairs, or this table. zzzzz.

behind the times

Yes, I know this is mega-old, but what am I going to do? Post about how much time I spent downloading Vampire Weekend songs? No.It still makes me laugh every time I see it.

my face: it hurts me more than it's hurting you

I have returned safely from the wilds of South Cakalacky, where many notable presents were exchanged, my favorite being the massage I got from my sis-in-law. Finished the paper on masquerade topoi in romance novels (which I'll send to you if you ask really nicely), met the world's most wonderful dog, and

I am alone, in my apartment with two cats, Indian food, and a sinus infection, writing a paper that was supposed to be due on December 18th. Have a happy effing new year, people.*


*Not that this prevented me from going out to a wine bar last night with former gallery boss and allowing a food stylist to arrange confetti in my hair all night. I live a weird life.

I blame the yellow shoes

Please see this post for an explanation of why.

My gallery went out of business--last night was the closing party--and I got bombed. Very sad, especially considering that it's just about the coolest, most laid-back, down-to-earth gallery on the planet. SO much better to go out with a bang than with a sniffly whimper.

you bastard waffle, you!

Can I just quote other people and that counts as a post of mine? No? Well, I'm going to do it anyway.
Expect an update from my very exciting paper on the interstices of historical romance fiction and masquerade just as soon as I finish it, which might be never.

The Shoe Heard Round the World

By JOHN KENNEY

The New York Times (online)
Published: December 16, 2008

Hitting someone with a shoe is considered the supreme insult in Iraq. It means that the target is even lower than the shoe, which is always on the ground and dirty.

— The Times, Dec. 15

IN France, of course, it's a waffle. Throw a waffle at someone and you have said, in essence: "I loathe you. You are scum. Your people are donkey traders." It suggests that the target is even lower than a waffle, which is sometimes on the ground if it happens to fall off a plate, and the ground could be dirty, depending upon the ground.

Who's to say why, exactly? Some say the waffle's association with Belgium is enough to disgust any Frenchman. Others suggest it is its annoyingly spongy consistency. Still others say it's the derivation of the word — "le waffle" in French, from the Flemish "wafflintis" and originally the Latin "wafflibus," all of which translate, loosely, to "waffle."

For scholars of insults, what comes to mind almost immediately after a high-profile insulting incident is the central African nation of Chad, where hitting someone with a pair of pants is the highest form of insult. It means that the target is lower than pants, the hem of which, while not on the ground, is often near the ground and, again, unclean. The only problem with this form of insult is that the thrower then has to retrieve the pants, as he or she had been wearing them.

For many years people threw shorts, but almost no one was offended, as the hem of shorts is a great distance from the ground. "We're working on new forms of insult, as well as changing our country's name, which, strangely, is a common first name in California," said a Chadian cultural attaché. "We need to be taken more seriously."

In the former Soviet Union it is not uncommon, especially among the savage Russian mafia, to throw a 68-ton American-made Abrams M1A1 tank. It means that the target is even lower than a tank, whose treads are always on the ground, unless they're not for some reason — say, repairs or what-have-you. In fairness, though, the throwing of tanks appears to be happening with less frequency, due to the near impossibility of surprise, especially at indoor events.

In Peru, meanwhile, people throw their voices as a form of insult. While not technically near the ground, a voice suggests "sound" and "sound" rhymes with "ground," the ground being low and possibly unclean, depending upon where, exactly, you're standing.

Peruvians say that throwing your voice is the ultimate insult because the intended victim doesn't know where it came from. It is not uncommon to hear someone say, "Who said that?!" on the streets of Lima after a particularly cutting remark. The danger, of course, is insulting someone by trying to throw your voice, but doing it poorly and instead moving your lips. The intended victim knows immediately where it came from.

And what of tiny Bhutan, snug between Tibet in the north and India to the south? In this mysterious Buddhist country, perhaps the only one in the world that measures its Gross National Happiness, people throw brightly colored tissue paper, so as not to hurt anyone. The paper falls harmlessly to the ground — a symbol of both lowness and dirt — and the thrower quickly picks it up, disposes of it, and then apologizes profusely.

How To Accurately Label Your Pets, PSA

[Posted in tandem with Kittenheads.]

Have you ever been frightened by an animal whose identity is unclear? Confronted by a strange beast in the morning that may or may not be a flesh eating dragon? How do you know? The most effective resolution is to ensure all non-humans are appropriately labeled. These videos were part of the short-lived public service program "How To Accurately Label Your Pets." For example, as you can see from the label, the animal in these videos is a cat. What a relief!

Step 1: Create a label. It is especially helpful if the label has some sort of directional indication system (e.g., an arrow) so as to avoid confusion.
Step 2: Afix the label to the correct animal (please refer to chapter 4.37 of the Label Guidebook regarding matching animals with names). Note that this may be harder than you anticipate, especially if said animal has experienced many previous labelings.
Step 3: Voila! You now have an accurately labeled pet. Watch carefully for any hints of shapeshifting (see Example II, below).
(Step 4: Re-afix label to animal.)

Example I:



Example II:



Easy as pie.

weird things accost me

Seen...

In a rest stop parking lot while driving to Boston:
guinea fowl in a pickup truck.

At the entrance to my local market:

On the checkout line at the local independent bookstore:
blue rose garden

she worshiped the sausage
near her peach
picture him gorgeous & languid
purple beauty from above
use me like the love goddess
for it is light
easy smooth moon
moment after
fast like music


At a bus stop: